Submission 14
Dear E,
I was laying on the sofa and watching TV
Thats when she messaged me
To tell me you're gone
I didn't believe her, she had to be wrong
I just led and looked at the wall
I felt sick and confused at it all
Messaged a friend to let her know
And wanted to just scream that were they sure because it wasn't the right time for you to go
I decided to just message you
And I often still do
Of course everyone had something comforting to say
I'm not religious but I even tried to pray
Because DAMN it just felt so unfair
Knowing that you're not there
When you battled to be here
Whilst living depressed with a coating of fear
Then I was trying to remember and hold onto anything happy
Because there were things even when times were super crappy
Now when I'm getting dressed in the morning
Suddenly it becomes a different type of mourning
But what was even the point in getting dressed
When it's all pointless and I was even more confused and depressed
Why should I ever get to walk through the front door
When you won't be able to do that anymore
BUT WHAT SHOULD I DO
I'm still terrified and in disbelief that the news is even true
So many little things in life will ever be the same
It's always going to be weird and strange
Everyone took the news so differently
I just tried to instantly bury it deep inside me
Other people went straight into full blown grief
But from watching them it didn't seem to give much relief
When my mind wondered to your family
I just couldn't stomach it, your brother, dad and mammy.
I've lost a beautiful, wonderful friend
But for them their daughters life had come to an end
Things are happening that only you would know how to make right
Instead I'm staring at a candle that on Tuesday I shall light
We tried so hard to help when life was the worst of the worst
But painfully no matter what we tried to do we couldn't change how much it hurt
You might not be here in person, but your soul didn't end
You're always in my head being my voice of reason friend
When I get myself mad stuck in the clutches of illness
You're there trying to remind me that it won't always be this much of a mess
A year ago right now you were still here messaging me,
the last thing you said was rings through my mind constantly.
"I just want things to be okay for you"
With you gone now Ella I don't know how that would ever be true
I never ever ever ever ever ever doubted that you didn't feel loved
But I do wonder what your last thoughts were of
Of course the 19th is truly etched in my mind
But to not think of every other day I knew you would be a crime
Your life isn't now a static moment in time
I really haven't given it any form of justice in this rhyme
E I love you to the moon and back
And nothing could ever change that.