Submission 28

My big brother,

I love you.

I always have. I always will. I’m so sorry if you didn’t know that. You wanted love and I had it in spades for you. I always will.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Im sorry I didn’t see it. That I wasn’t watching closely enough. I’m sorry you felt such pain and I didn’t stop it. You protected me when I was scared of the dark and I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you from it too. I’m sorry I didn’t shout through the noise to you. Didn’t grab you away from this. I’m sorry if I let you down. You deserved so much better.

I wish you had stayed. I wish you had seen the tears, and the love and heard the words people say about you and knew the feelings. I wish that would have been enough. I wish I could have kept you for longer, kept you in my life and in my care. Held you in my arms one more time.

I understand. I understand why. I understand why you needed to do this. Why it felt like this was the best way.
I should have reached out when I felt this bad and then maybe you would have too. When I heard you crying I should have told you I was crying too and we could have gotten through it all together.

Thank you. For everything you have done for me. For shaping me into the person I am, and making me better, even now. Thank you for looking out for me and looking after me. When I didn’t feel care, I knew you cared. When I didn’t feel love, I knew you loved.
You have taught me to keep loving fearlessly.

I have hopes for you. I hope that you feel peaceful. I hope that things are calm and quiet and still. I hope you are with mum and dad. I hope you’ll all be there waiting for me. I miss you all so much.

I have promises for you. I will think of you every day until I am gone. I will make the most of my life for you, please be there with me. I will keep loving people for you, please be there with me. I will keep hoping and trying and I will keep going, please be there with me. I can’t do any of it without you. I will hold on to you, in my body, in my heart, in my mind. You, your life, your love, your death, have left a mark on me that will never go. In that way you’ll keep going with me and long after I’ve gone. I will tell people about you and how brave you were. I will tell them our funny stories. I will keep the secrets you shared with me.

You matter. Your life matters. Your death matters. I am so grateful that I had you in my life.

I cannot say goodbye. So goodnight. I’ll sleep better knowing you are there with me. Sleep better now that I am here with you.