Submission 88

Dear Dad,

I just wish you’d stayed.

I know it’s impossible to rationalise a completely irrational act, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t spent the last 4 years trying.

I have been strong and determined to make a good life for myself, to choose happiness always. It hasn’t been easy, there has been days I have wanted to give in, but just like my father I am stubborn and I will not.

I guess that is the only positive to come out of all of this, the moment I lay my head across your lifeless body in our family home where we’d made 24 years of happy memories together, and gave you one last hug, I knew I could never be this heartbroken ever again. It gave me a real sense of invincibility and confidence, the confidence to end the bad relationships, quit my job, move to the seaside and live a happier, better life.

I chose life the minute you chose death.

Life really is going well Dad! I have a house, a dog and Tom, my boyfriend, proposed to me- a boyfriend you never met but ironically the only one you actually would have liked!

I often hear myself echoing your words and smile to myself knowing that I am my fathers daughter through and through.

We all miss you, immensely. I wish you were here to live through all these moments with us, to be proud of everything we’ve achieved, to give us that advice and guidance that only a Dad can give.

I am eternally heartbroken by your absence but I am so proud to be your daughter. You were and will always be my favourite person in the entire world.

I’ll love you and miss you forever Papa bear.

Love you to the moon and back,

Rae-Dawn x