Questions

For someone supporting someone bereaved, we believe questions are the key! Starting a conversation can be daunting. You want to help, but are nervous you could make the person feel worse or that you’ll say the wrong thing. If you’re starting the conversation to try and support them that is all that matters.

Trust that they will know that and if they’re not in the mood they’ll be able to that — but will always appreciate you reaching out and trying.

The difficulty with questions is that it can feel awkward as what to ask, questions like how are you? seem too vague or offensive as most probably that person isn't ok or you wouldn't be asking!

We love the concept of asking if someone is ok twice, like mentioned in the Roman Kemp documentary, but often with bereavement it's obvious that the person isn't ok.

So what you want is a way to break down the questions so that they're not so overwhelming and are easier for the person to answer, the first way to do this is to contextualise the question to the moment. For example:

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU TODAY?

HOW ARE YOU COPING THIS WEEK?

HOW DID YOU FEEL OVER THE WEEKEND?

WERE YOU OK LAST NIGHT?

The power of a simple tweak in your questions can be huge as it allows the person to share as little or as much as they'd like but also means they don't have to download the entirety of their feelings in the first instance. Another good way to ask questions is to focus less on feelings and emotions and more on practical subjects, for example:

HOW DID YOU SLEEP?

ARE YOU FEELING ON TOP OF YOUR LIFE ADMIN?

This way they can again share as little or as much information as they want and if they show signs of sadness or a need for support you can continue the conversation in that manner.

Lastly, it's important to remember that people want to have conversations about the people they've lost and if they don't at the time, they can just say they don't want to. So don't drop that person out of conversation, ask about the person they have lost, as you might be providing the person bereaved with the opportunity they'd been wanting.