Submission 143

To my darling dearest,

You left so suddenly, without a goodbye. There's so many things I still wanted to tell you, so many things I still wanted to do with you, so many years of life I still wanted to share with you.

Just 3 days before you left this world we started looking at where to get married, with the way we were talking and our excitement I'd say we'd be married by now if you were still here. We had our jokey engagement which I'm pretty sure would've ended up being the real thing. I didn't care how we did it, the engagement, marriage, any of it. I just cared that it was with you and we'd end up together for life - just like I told you the night we talked about it.

You'd be proud of me pet for the things I've achieved since you died - I smashed my Master's degree despite everything, I've learnt to stand up for myself, I even did my very best to save you and bring you back at the end, if only it wasn't too late. I know however that wherever you are out there in the darkness you are proud of me. I can hear you telling me "I'm proud of you bubby" - I loved it when you called me bubby.

You were my soulmate, my everything. I've never experienced such an amazing, deep and personal connection with someone before, it just felt so natural. It was a love like no other and I'll never find a love like that again or someone quite as special as you. You are my forever and always.

You taught me so much in life and in death you continue to teach me so much hun about myself, others and the world. Most importantly you taught me how to love and that has been the best gift of all and now I will never stop loving you.

I wish so many things, I wish you hadn't left this world, I wish I had been able to save you, I wish you didn't have to suffer in life but I know now you are at peace and you don't have to be worried or troubled anymore.

I think about the life that could've been, every single day. I'd give it all to be living that again. Just to cuddle you, kiss you, laugh with you, do life with you - even the grocery shopping! People often say "I wish I could hug them one more time" or "I wish I could tell them I love them one more time" but I know one more time would never be enough, I'd always be wanting another 'one more time'.

I loved our life together and one thing I'll never regret is spending so much time together because after all you were not just my boyfriend, you were my best friend too, my soulmate, the one who truly got me. Not one day has gone by since you left when I wish I spent more time with you or told you I loved you more often because we were so good at both those things and for that I'm grateful. I'd do it all a million times over.

The grief is hard, it's heavy, it's complicated but it's now my burden to bear. You had your struggles and now I will have mine but I am trying my best to keep going and grow stronger. People don't get me like you did, especially in my grief, which is isolating and difficult but it's also teaching me who is worth valuing in my life and to become a better person in myself - things you got me thinking about during our time together.

On one of our first dates you were in control of the music in my car and decided to put on the song Thousand Years. I thought it was a strange choice considering you played it in-between a load of rap songs but I found out that was the sort of you - which I loved! This song now makes me cry, it even made me cry a day or two after our date because I listened to it again and I properly listened to the lyrics and it just felt right.

The lyrics:
'I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more', really stood out to me then and they now stand out to me even more. Our connection was like no other that it felt like we loved each other for a thousand years before meeting, like our souls have been connected and destined for each other forever and I will love you forevermore and I know if you can feel love in the darkness you will also love me forevermore. When you died we were deeply in love so our love will last forever with you and when I die our love will still be in my heart and will last forever with me.

I love you and I miss you darling, more than you could ever know.

Life is not the same without you and never will be.

I love you darling x