Submission 156

Dear Iz

I’m sorry I haven’t written more. It’s been a while—and the honest truth is that I’ve been putting it off.

It’s not that I don’t want to think about you and what has happened to our family, but I know that you would want me to enjoy this time—enjoy getting engaged and planning a wedding. I’ve let the excitement sweep me up and take me along for a ride, but it’s bittersweet. This big ‘life moment’ and everything that is coming with it has only made it more real that you’re not with us anymore.

I think about you all the time, and I miss you so much. I worry that you’ve seen me have some of the happiest times of my life in the last few months and that if you’re watching, you might think that I’ve “moved on” or “gotten over” what happened, but I haven’t at all. How could I? Behind every smile I think of you, behind every decision I wonder what your opinion would be. For the first time since you passed my instinct to call or text you is back, before I realise that I can’t.

I so so wish you were here. There is a part of me that thinks if only you were able to hold on until now—when something good and happy is happening—that it would have been enough for you to decide to stay. But I know that’s not how these things work.

I wish you’d told us what was going on. I go back over all our conversations in the months leading up to your death and try to see the signs that I missed, moments when maybe you were trying to tell me about it but I wasn’t listening hard enough, or I cut you off, or didn’t give you enough space to expand on what you were really trying to say. I’ve gone over everything a million times and there still aren’t any signs. I didn’t see it coming.

I wish there was something I could have done. I wish you gave us more of a chance to help.

I have this idea in my head of the dress you would wear as a bridesmaid…a light pink, slinky long dress that would show off all your beautiful curves. Although you would 100% steal the show, I would be ok with it because it’s you. You lit up every room you walked into, and I loved watching that. I miss watching people being wowed by your sense of humour, your beauty, and your compassion.

I love you so much.

Soph x