Submission 168

My Wooage

This is a difficult one to write because despite loving you so much and being my oldest, longest friend- we weren’t in contact when you left us. I worry that you wouldn't want to hear from me, because there was so much pain involved.
We went from playing in the same boxes at 18 months old, to hedonistic nights out as teenagers and rambling walks and deep conversation in our late 20s. Then we walked away from each other, through circumstances outside of our control. I never thought we wouldn’t be in each others lives. I always thought we’d figure it out after a break. It wasn’t our fault.

I am so sorry.

I knew this could happen but i didn’t reach out to you. It wasn’t the first time you’d tried and i try to take solace in knowing that you had a strong sense that you had somewhere else to be. I hope you’ve found that place.

Im so sorry that you had such an awful time for so much of the time. School was cruel to you and i didn’t do enough. Nobody did. My Dad started learning to play ‘Small Town Boy’ recently. The lyrics resonated so much, we talked about you.
‘And as hard as they would try they'd hurt to make you cry. But you never cried to them, just to your soul. No, you never cried to them, just to your soul.’
It made me think of our first night out in a gay bar in London and how you said you felt like you’d found yourself. You were so alive.

You could be spiky & so headstrong and i hated being around you when you’d been drinking, but underneath it all, you were hurting and misunderstood and you needed love.

It still hurts. I still feel overwhelmed by the depth and breadth of emotions. Your suicide has forced some difficult conversations, which might be a good thing. It’s been good to talk to your Dad & H again.
I find it strange that you know nothing of my life now. Im in a different place to where you ever knew me, with different people around and a little girl on the way. One day l’ll tell her all about you, my wonderful Wooage.

I teach now and i do my best to make sure that my students feel supported and safe, especially those figuring out their sexuality. I wish you had more of that when you were a kid.

You were wild and beautiful, so smart and such a deep thinker. You could get lost in the superficiality of our world at times but i will always remember you in nature, in the trees, dancing.
I love you. And i am so grateful for the huge part you played in my life. I’d be a very different person without you.