Submission 180
Dear Sean
There are no words that could have described the absolute pain and heartbreak I felt when you left this world. I felt a physical pain in my chest, my world was shattered and I still to this day, don't know how I managed to get through these last 3 years.
We parted on such bad terms and this still hurts. I'd do anything to change things. You scared me and I'm sorry but I couldn't cope with the drinking anymore. Lockdown made everything worse - you drunk daily and we stopped getting on. I was scared coming home from work, I didn't know what I'd find, I spent most days off sitting outside on the flat doorstep because I couldn't be anywhere else. I felt so alone. The night I left the flat, I'd had enough and I couldn't take anymore Sean. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I called the police, but I was scared. I had tried over the years to help you, I really had. I wanted you to feel happy, I wanted you to see how much you had going for you and how loved you were. I wrote that letter to the GP in the hope she would do something!! But she didn't, and that still angers me now.
I couldn't stop smiling when we met in 2018. You were funny, handsome, kind, generous and thoughtful. I wish you knew how much I loved you and how much I'd give to go back and meet you again and change things so that you're depression would have been healed and your drinking wasn't a problem. But I can't. I couldn't save you. I was alone in trying to help you and yet your family told me that you died hating me. How could they say that to me? When they did NOTHING to help you! I'm sorry if your last thoughts of me were with anger but I hope you know how much I cared for you.
It didn't need to end the way it did and I'm so sorry that you felt the only way out was to die. I only know now, that you are at peace and this is what you wanted. You spoke about suicide a lot over the years and I guess I didn't realise the seriousness of it. There is no going back. I wish I could see you again to say goodbye and to be on good terms but I know you are in heaven and happy now.
Sleep tight Sean. Have a chat with Alasdair up there - he went the same way as you.
I'll always have a part of my heart that loves you.
Sarah x