Submission 19

My Husband,

I cannot get the image out of my head and I can’t stop thinking he is angry with me.

Most of our 31yr marriage he struggled with mental health and I definitely believe that this was not dealt with properly whilst we lived in Devon so after that he refused to go back to see a GP.

I struggled really badly with the stress and upset of his illness and tried really hard to talk things through but I believe he suffered more after, we suspect he caught covid before it was known about and when he had his first vaccine he had a really bad reaction. Since then and the lockdown (which he loved as it was just us two) he got considerably worse, hence his suicide.

At first I felt relief!!! Like a dark cloud had been lifted.

Then I went through so many different feelings and emotions. The worst is I think he’s angry with me.
I feel I let him down and now I miss the man he was before the illness took over.

Sometimes I think he was possessed at the end as his eyes looked dark and as if he was laughing but his face was not, I almost laughed too but then I got angry as I didn’t think I could take much more but as usual I went back to talk to him but it was too late.