Submission 73

T,

The pain of losing you is deeper than I could have ever imagined. Some part of me always questioned if this is how things would end. You lived so much of your life in fear, you were tormented by your mind and you suffered in so many ways. The only comfort I get from your decision is knowing that your mind cannot trouble you anymore, that you have found a peace now that you could never find while you were here.

But the wound left by your choice is sometimes unbearable. It takes my breath away. No matter the hurt you caused, I wish there could have been a different way. I wish you had known this is not what any of us wanted. I am riddled with emotions I never wanted to know. I am angry at the effort of holding this grief. Annoyed that your decisions are still causing me to struggle. Guilty at the vague relief I felt when I found out. Sad at the way everything turned out. I acknowledge your choice, but I can’t accept it yet.

A and I are peeling back the layers, we are trying to understand who you were before the sadness overshadowed everything. But I wish you were here so we could ask you. I wish I knew who you were before our lives got darkened by your clouds.

I wish you knew that I loved you. Despite everything, I love you. I’m sorry I never said it out loud while you were here. I couldn’t see your own suffering, only the suffering that you caused me. The more I have learned about you since you left us, the more complex your story is to me. This is one part of a much longer chapter in your life. I just wish you had wanted to learn how to change. For yourself - for us all. So that this chapter might have ended differently.

I try to understand your decision. But what I’m realising is I will never really understand. It’s been a year and a half since you didn’t wake up. And I miss you.