You’re In Control
The most important thing to remember in terms of conversations around your grief and the person you lost is that you are in control. You can decide what you say, when you say it and to who. Sometimes just reminding yourself of that can be helpful.
But we all know, conversations are a two way thing, which is why we also have guidance for those supporting, which you could always send over to someone if you thought they needed help supporting you.
More often than not people don't send over this type of guidance as they don't want to offend the person or suggest that they don't know what they're doing.
But done in the right way, it can be so powerful - and believe us from the conversations we have with others, they want the guidance.
Things you could try:
— Send someone the link to our Supporting Others page with a message saying 'Hi, thank you for being so supportive of me in this time, as this is new for both of us I thought I'd send over some useful guidance I found'
— When someone asks how they can help or what they can do, have the confidence to tell them. Or if you don't know what you'd want them to do you can say something like 'Thank you so much for asking, can I have a think about that and come back to you?' Or 'I'm not sure at the moment, would you mind asking me again soon?'
THERE IS SOME LANGUAGE THAT IS BEST TO AVOID:
Don't say 'At least'. For example; 'at least they're in a better place or can't feel the pain'. This is a minimising phrase and is not comforting to those bereaved.
Negative words like selfish or cowardly. These are outdated assumptions that are not appropriate as we know more about the reality of mental illness and suicide.
Another situation to remember that you're in control of is if someone asks you something or brings it up when you don't want to talk.
Firstly, our advice would always be to thank the person for asking, these conversations are difficult and their intentions were likely to help, so it's always worth saying that first to encourage future conversations.
Things you could try:
— If someone asks you how you are or how you're coping and you're not in the mood to talk about it, say: 'Thank you for asking, at the moment I'm not feeling up to talking about it today, can you ask me again tomorrow/ or soon.' That way you're still asking them to ask you again so that you don't have to start the conversation.
— If someone asks for details you're not comfortable giving, say 'Thank you for trying to talk about it with me, but I don't like talking about
— those details at the moment, I prefer to talk about them or how I'm feeling, would it be ok to talk about that instead?'
— If someone starts a conversation about how you're feeling and you are feeling in a good mood but don't want to enter into a conversation about your grief (this is ok too!) You could say 'Thank you for asking me, at the moment I'm actually good so am not in the mood to chat about it, but can I come and chat to you if that changes?' That way they'll likely say 'yes of course' and reiterate that they're here for you if you need them.
Lastly, in terms of control, if you don't feel like you have people around you that you can talk to, you can actively seek new people and communities - like us who you've already found!
Things you could try:
— Engage with a charity, support group, local or online community where you can meet and chat to new people who have been through similar experiences.
— Find a counsellor or apply to our service to talk to a professional - this can be incredibly helpful.
— See if there is anyone in your wider network (colleagues, new friends) who might be up for having a conversation.
