To my beautiful Elizabeth,

I miss you so much. More than I can begin to say.I am so sorry you couldn't come to me and talk, but I see that you didn't want to.

Dear Hana,

Mommy misses you so much. I love you so much. I haven’t been able to write to you before this, because it’s too hard. My body aches and my heart hurts every day without you on this earth.

Dear Jordan,

As I write this letter to you son, it’s been 30 months since that fateful day. I remember the call I received from Charlotte as if it was yesterday. I also often think of those moments when she came home to find you and how with the assistance of Jan and Simon your neighbours they tried desperately to save you, probably knowing it was already too late.

The weeks and months of trauma which followed have become vaguer memories for me now and replaced by a general sadness whenever I think of you, which is every quiet moment of every day.

Daniel,

I will never understand why everything I did to help you wasn't enough to keep you here. I am sorry you had to battle mental illness. It is not fair for you and others that have to deal with your thoughts every day. I hate mental illness. You grow up happy with goals and dreams, then BAM! Mental illness enters your world and all of those go out the window.

To my darling daughter, my beautiful daughter Kiera,

I sit with my hands on the laptop, the one you bought me. Not sure where to start. I always knew I loved you, adored you. But your absence for the past 15 months has made me realise a lot of things about you, that in the fog that was our world back then, I didn't see so clearly. 

Dear Jack,

The day you decided to gain your Angel wings was the day my world as I knew it ended, my heart hasn’t beaten the same since nor will it ever again. You were and will always be my first true love, my first born too excited to wait, you came 5 weeks early just in time for Christmas.

My Son,

I lost my youngest son to suicide, 27th August 2016. When the country was celebrating August Bank Holiday we as a family were grieving the death of my son. He had just turned 30yrs old, July 27th 2016.

My dearest darling son Cal,

My heart is aching and hurting I miss you so much, life will just never be right. I miss everything about you, your scent, touch, hugs, kindness, support, kind blue eyes, your humour, our chats whilst sharing a spliff. You understand my own challenges in life. We flew as if we are on the same plane.

My Darling Adrian,

It is the 3rd Anniversary of your suicide on the 7th April. We still miss you so much, but we ask everyday why? Why could we not help you? Why you could not talk to me?