Submission 47
Dear J,
Half a lifetime has passed since you left us. Our memories of you have not diminished, rather they seem more vivid than ever. They are the invisible touchstone of our lives without you.
I think of all that you were, all that you gave and all that you left behind. It's still hard to recall the laughter we lost, the embraces we long for and the bright bright smile we can only now imagine.
Your suicide cast me adrift. Over time a new north emerged and I was able to plot a new course. More by trial and error than judgement dear J. You are never lost to us though.
Submission 46
Mum,
Today's my baby girl's 13th birthday. I can remember back to the week she was born so clearly. I think you might have waited and wished for her even more than I did. You were so proud and excited... We spent so much time with you in those early years. Some say we almost lived in each others pockets. Maybe that's true. But you were my friend as well as my mum and her grandmother.
We loved spending time with you.I wish you hadn't moved away...I wish you hadn't moved back...I wish you hadn't spent so much time thinking back to the past and what might have been.
Submission 42
Father,
Something I have never ever healed from and probably never ever will. I have spent years keeping these emotions in, it hasn’t been til this year I’ve felt ready to accept and come to terms with everything.
Submission 41
Dad,
I have so much that I want to say to you. I’ll start with the easy one, I never actually became the next Alan Shearer, like was our plan, although I still pretend most days (in the mirror), and there still sits somewhere inside of me the belief that I still can be him.
Anyway, the difficult part. Over the last 15 years I have found so many ways to try and cope with the fact you’re not here. For the first 10 years I pretended that it didn’t happen at all. I never said your name. I never talked about our family. I blocked out every thought possible. I certainly never spoke about how you died.
Submission 38
Bro,
What can I say I know you must have been hurting to do such a thing, however the pain a misery you caused has been unbearable to our parents.I have long been angry at you for this and it has had a detrimental effect on my own life. One of my regrets is that we spent so much of our youth fighting and arguing making our mums life so hard. And just as we had both turned a corner and grown up you decided it was time to go.
Submission 36
Mum,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we never got to laugh and cry together. I’m sorry that you couldn’t tell me off when I didn’t brush my teeth. I’m sorry that you couldn’t tidy my hair, kiss me goodnight, and wish me good luck.
Submission 34
Dear Dad,
I've often tried to find the words I'd say to you if I had the opportunity to do so, Dad. If I could spend just one more minute with you. The reality is, I probably wouldn't say anything. Instead, I'd smile, hug you tight and thank you for being my Dad.
Submission 33
Dear Vicky,
It’s been a while. I still run. My “daddys hands” have found children to hold. I’ve grown a beard again. And I think of you still.
Madrid. Paris. New York. St Ann’s Hospital. Seven years. Shared memories, good and bad. None of this was your fault.
Submission 07
Dad,
I hope you have found the peace that you were looking for. When I am asked that dreaded question “how did he die?” I simply say, you died from sadness.
It tears me apart that you felt as though this was the only option you had. I’ve grown up hearing stories about how funny you were, how you lit up every room you entered with your personality and dance moves… although they are nice to hear, it also breaks my heart a little more each time.
Submission 03
Dear Mum,
It’s been over 30 years now, but I still think of you often. I see you when I look in the mirror and I’ll never forgive the flat ass I inherited from you.