To my darling Paul,

I miss you in ways even words cannot understand.

Always and forever
Your Dawn
xxx<3xxx

The best big sister,

I have written to you every year since , all the things I would usually tell you , the things I would only go to you for . I miss your smile and your voice and how easy it was for you to light up a room. I miss the times I needed you and you were there.

Dear Mum, Dear Bro,

I am angry you left without explaining honestly how you felt and what you were considering and let us help you. I'm angry you didn't fully seek mental health support, when we could have paid.

Mum

I wish you'd have stayed

I wish you'd have stayed

To my Florist,

To my Florist,

To my baby brother,

My other half is a term associated with love

I’m using it to describe you, my brother up above


My brain etched with memories of laughter and joy


Only shared with you my brother, my special boy


There’s a poem called the dash, about time on this earth


About the use of our time from the day of our birth


Your time on this earth so short and sweet

To my Dad

It has been one year, two months, and 25 days since you left us. There hasn't been a single one of those where I haven't thought about you, about why you did this, about what I could have done to change things.

Of course the answer is I couldn't.

To my Brother,

I lost you nearly three years ago, and I am still to process it all. Some days are good, and the relief I feel is no longer just temporary- but the reality and reminders of you still crush me before the day is done.

Dear S,

Next Sunday would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. It's strange to think back on our story now - things happened in such a whirlwind at the start, and now I've been grieving you for longer than we had been married.

Reader

Where to begin? Well,

typically, anniversaries might celebrate something like a relationship or a work achievement. This anniversary certainly didn’t feel like an occasion for celebration.

To my Matt

It’s been just over a year since you left us. The pain of losing you is still so raw. I loved you so much and would have done anything to help you, if only you had been able to tell me how you were feeling.

I had no idea, there were no signs that anything was wrong. We were so happy, planning to move away and have a better future. I am so sad for you and also angry that you have taken that future away from me and from yourself.

Dearest Christopher

Five years, two months and two weeks. The love, loss, guilt and anger I feel will be with me until I draw my last breath.

To my beautiful son,

The day you decided you couldn't live anymore with the pain and thoughts in your head, was the day part of me died too. I will forever ask why and although I'm told that it wasn't my fault, I blame myself for what you did.

Anna,

It's the type of pain that will never end, I'Il miss you forever, my fierce friend.

Your suicide is the most difficult thing I've had to process. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell your story and I find it hard to admit that it’s part of mine.

To my baby sister

It’s scary without you. Like, nothing feels right. Most of my days are just dull and hopeless now. I do have some interesting ones but the fact that I can’t tell you about all those moments is PAINFUL.

To My Only Aunt,

on march the 14th you went to work. and then the post office. for a long time i held unnecessary anger towards those who saw you that day, did they sense something? i have since faced the fact that nobody knew; i wish i could say differently. i wish to shop in a florida mall with you again and to dance to stevie nicks one more time. you were, and will always ever be my only aunt. i have unlearned blankly staring and spacing out when the word "aunt" is used in conversation, i have unlearned hating the universe for putting you in this situation, i have unlearned hating myself for how i treated you before you died.

It’s been over a year.

As we approach the 2nd Christmas without you I am trying so hard to remember all the things that made Christmas so lovely growing up. Was it the tree, was it waiting for Father Christmas, was it the presents? And as I think about these things I realise that it was your love that made any celebration special. We really miss you. I just hope I get to see you again one day. My son misses you and talks about you often. My daughter doesn't remember but we will keep your memory alive I promise. And I see you in her a lot!!

Mum

I miss you, the world isn't the same without you in it. Although a year has passed I still feel like someone will tell me that they got it wrong, you aren't gone and you'll walk in that door again. I used to wonder why we hadn't been enough to stay, but now in my better moments I have such clarity of your love, how your actions were out of a desire to protect us and how cruel your mind was being to you that it didn't let you see any other way out.

My best friend Jon

Someone said to me that suicide doesn't remove the pain, it just moves it somewhere else and I've never felt truer words. The pain I feel that your gone is unbearable. You've left a hole in my life that can't ever be replaced. The pain I feel is so strong I don't ever think I'll stop hurting. A huge part of this pain is from the guilt I hold. The night you passed away you reached out to me like you had done so in the past. We had a unique friendship built on us both struggling and reaching out to each other. You always helped me and I always tried my best to help you. The hardest thing is that I knew how much you hurt. We had some pretty big and deep conversations, we trusted each other so much that we could be fully open.

Dear Oskar

I hope you’re at peace. After you left all I kept thinking was that I could’ve done more. So much was going on when you passed, and so much was said and done. For so long I couldn’t accept the way everything was left.

Dear J.J

What can I say? Three years have passed since you left us. Yes we’ve done our best to stay strong as you wrote in your note. Life has not been easy, it’s been easier to talk about you but the tears still flow. We have raised money for suicide prevention awareness. We struggle whenever our routine changes or life throws us a curveball. Our resilience is not what it used to be. Dad has been researching philosophy in the hope of finding an answer. It’s taken it’s toll on him. We love and miss you as much as ever.

Dear Dad

Losing you 4 days before Christmas completely turned my life upside down. Knowing that you called me and asked me a bunch of questions, and kept asking if I was okay… knowing now that you were trying to decide if I would survive… it’s a heart break that I’ll never get over.

Dear Lauren,

I can’t crawl home to you, Lauren, and I think that’s the worst part. I can’t just phone you like I used to so we can just talk things through. Why does grief have to be so hard? You’re the only person I want, the only person I’d turn to, but you’re not here. So who do I turn to, my dear? Some nights, Lauren, you hardly cross my mind, even though I miss you all the time. How can that be?

My sweet girl,

How is it nearly 4 years since you left. 4 years since I last heard your voice. 4 years since I last received a message or silly Snapchat from you. 4 years since I was able to ask your advice on anything and everything. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I don’t think it will ever be the same again. I am not the same person I was 4 years. There is a massive Ali shaped hole in my heart, there is sooooo much we need to catch up. So much has happened and I’ve had to do it without you and I just don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that. I know it’s selfish of me to say but my god I wish you had stayed, so much more that you could ever imagine.

Dear Chris

Chris, can’t tell you how much I miss you and miss your love and hugs. You did suffer from a little boy after being assaulted by that boy causing huge problems for you. The OCD took over. I wish I could’ve done more to help and relieve you. I miss your bear hugs and your visits with Winnie. Don’t know how the covid lockdown would’ve been for you. I hope you would’ve come home. I dream of you a lot and imagine you looking down with dogs and other animals around you. Can’t think of never seeing you again.

Chaz,

It’s been 10 months since you left us. Since I lost my little brother... Since the world lost one of the sweetest souls. Some days I think I’ve lost the sound of your voice, and my world comes crumbling.

Dear G,

I can't believe the 2-year mark is just days away now; I can still remember the day my life as I knew it changed like it was yesterday but also so much has happened since then; I was in a car crash and my car was written off, I've adopted a puppy (you'd laugh but you'd also love him) and Rob got married (you'd have been so proud).

Dear Adrian

Hi Adrian, it is that time of year when we should be celebrating your birthday. The 27th September 1984 is when you arrived into the world and the 7th April 2019 is when we lost you. You are thought about and missed everyday.

Dad

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. Almost four years since you lost your battle and I still search for you in the supermarket and file through the memories etched in my brain. I can’t escape the gut wrenching feeling of missing you. I can physically feel my heartstrings tug when I think of what I’ll achieve without you there to watch me.

Dear husband

We miss you so much, I keep pretending you are just away with work. But deep down I know you aren’t. I have to keep explaining to our child why you aren’t here. He’s 3 and I know I can’t tell him everything but I also don’t want to lie. We miss you so much. He has now missed you longer than you were alive. He always asks about his daddy. It doesn’t get easier to explain to him. We see you with all the butterflies that come around. Things happen and I wish you were here to talk to. Despite what happened I love you so much and I never wanted this.