Submission 214
To my sister,
I miss you. I'm still angry. Still confused. Still wondering if it is real. It's been 7 months since the phone call I replay in my head over and over to remind me it is real or sometimes when I want to feel the pain just so I can miss you.
Submission 213
To my Dad
It has been one year, two months, and 25 days since you left us. There hasn't been a single one of those where I haven't thought about you, about why you did this, about what I could have done to change things.
Of course the answer is I couldn't.
Submission 212
Dad,
I don’t think I will ever really be ok without you here. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled - not with all the money, love, friends or fun in the world, and I am so very sorry I didn’t realise how much you mean to me sooner. I will never forgive myself for that.
Submission 211
To my Brother,
I lost you nearly three years ago, and I am still to process it all. Some days are good, and the relief I feel is no longer just temporary- but the reality and reminders of you still crush me before the day is done.
Submission 210
Dear S,
Next Sunday would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. It's strange to think back on our story now - things happened in such a whirlwind at the start, and now I've been grieving you for longer than we had been married.
Submission 209
To my Brother,
Despite the years that have passed since you could no longer carry the weight of your sadness, l still find myself oscillating between the raw pain of losing you and the dull ache of missing you. And maybe worse than that I find every day is soaked in guilt.
Losing you felt like losing a significant part of myself - or maybe more accurately, the part of me that you were so integral to crafting became a part of me that was replaced with an angry, bereft shadow of its former self. Grief lives so permanently in my back pocket that I wonder what I’d be without it in the same way I feared what I’d be without you.
Submission 208
Dear big brother,
To my big brother.
To the one who was supposed to be along my side till the day life did us apart, to the one who was supposed to be a shoulder to lay on when things got tough. To the one who I was supposed to tell all my friends about, because of how much I looked up to you, and how much I wished I could be you when I grew up.
To the one who I still look up to, just not in the same sense as I did when I spoke your name, now it is just a lonely, long, stare at the stars - hoping you are looking down and telling me it will be okay.
Submission 207
To my amazing twin brother
Taylor, I miss you so much; life will never be the same without your laugh. We’re twins, we’re meant to be in this world together, we’re meant to be the same age. But now I’m 21 and you’re still 20… I feel like I’m leaving you behind.
Submission 206
Reader
Where to begin? Well,
typically, anniversaries might celebrate something like a relationship or a work achievement. This anniversary certainly didn’t feel like an occasion for celebration.
Submission 205
To my Matt
It’s been just over a year since you left us. The pain of losing you is still so raw. I loved you so much and would have done anything to help you, if only you had been able to tell me how you were feeling.
I had no idea, there were no signs that anything was wrong. We were so happy, planning to move away and have a better future. I am so sad for you and also angry that you have taken that future away from me and from yourself.
Submission 204
Dearest Christopher
Five years, two months and two weeks. The love, loss, guilt and anger I feel will be with me until I draw my last breath.
Submission 203
To my beautiful son,
The day you decided you couldn't live anymore with the pain and thoughts in your head, was the day part of me died too. I will forever ask why and although I'm told that it wasn't my fault, I blame myself for what you did.
Submission 202
Anna,
It's the type of pain that will never end, I'Il miss you forever, my fierce friend.
Your suicide is the most difficult thing I've had to process. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell your story and I find it hard to admit that it’s part of mine.
Submission 201
To my baby sister
It’s scary without you. Like, nothing feels right. Most of my days are just dull and hopeless now. I do have some interesting ones but the fact that I can’t tell you about all those moments is PAINFUL.
Submission 200
My precious friend
I hope you know how very much you were loved. I will carry you in my heart despite how painful that feels at the moment. I am beyond sad and still can't really take it in. I wish I could have been with you for longer.
Submission 199
Dear Dad,
I have spent most of the last 5 years thinking about what I would say to you if I could. We did not say enough to each other when you were still here. I thought I had time. I miss seeing you every weekend and Sundays are still hard for me sometimes.
Submission 198
To My Only Aunt,
on march the 14th you went to work. and then the post office. for a long time i held unnecessary anger towards those who saw you that day, did they sense something? i have since faced the fact that nobody knew; i wish i could say differently. i wish to shop in a florida mall with you again and to dance to stevie nicks one more time. you were, and will always ever be my only aunt. i have unlearned blankly staring and spacing out when the word "aunt" is used in conversation, i have unlearned hating the universe for putting you in this situation, i have unlearned hating myself for how i treated you before you died.
Submission 197
It’s been over a year.
As we approach the 2nd Christmas without you I am trying so hard to remember all the things that made Christmas so lovely growing up. Was it the tree, was it waiting for Father Christmas, was it the presents? And as I think about these things I realise that it was your love that made any celebration special. We really miss you. I just hope I get to see you again one day. My son misses you and talks about you often. My daughter doesn't remember but we will keep your memory alive I promise. And I see you in her a lot!!
Submission 196
Mum
I miss you, the world isn't the same without you in it. Although a year has passed I still feel like someone will tell me that they got it wrong, you aren't gone and you'll walk in that door again. I used to wonder why we hadn't been enough to stay, but now in my better moments I have such clarity of your love, how your actions were out of a desire to protect us and how cruel your mind was being to you that it didn't let you see any other way out.
Submission 195
My best friend Jon
Someone said to me that suicide doesn't remove the pain, it just moves it somewhere else and I've never felt truer words. The pain I feel that your gone is unbearable. You've left a hole in my life that can't ever be replaced. The pain I feel is so strong I don't ever think I'll stop hurting. A huge part of this pain is from the guilt I hold. The night you passed away you reached out to me like you had done so in the past. We had a unique friendship built on us both struggling and reaching out to each other. You always helped me and I always tried my best to help you. The hardest thing is that I knew how much you hurt. We had some pretty big and deep conversations, we trusted each other so much that we could be fully open.