Submission 194
Dear Oskar
I hope you’re at peace. After you left all I kept thinking was that I could’ve done more. So much was going on when you passed, and so much was said and done. For so long I couldn’t accept the way everything was left.
Submission 193
Dear Rhys
What was it like? To experience time stop? Your funeral wasn't weird enough. They didn't play the song you told me you wanted. But I guessed that you'd picked many different songs over the years, and it wasn't for me to tell your parents what to do. They used that photo you made your profile picture a few weeks before on your order of service. I know you chose that photo. It's there forever now. The face you chose to immortalise. I had it sat on my desk for a while but ended up getting angry at it too often. Your grandmother clasped my hand when I told her who I was. Your sister said she felt proud. Your mum said she'd never get over this.I watched your dad break down crying right at the end of the night.
Submission 192
Dear J.J
What can I say? Three years have passed since you left us. Yes we’ve done our best to stay strong as you wrote in your note. Life has not been easy, it’s been easier to talk about you but the tears still flow. We have raised money for suicide prevention awareness. We struggle whenever our routine changes or life throws us a curveball. Our resilience is not what it used to be. Dad has been researching philosophy in the hope of finding an answer. It’s taken it’s toll on him. We love and miss you as much as ever.
Submission 191
Dear Dad
Losing you 4 days before Christmas completely turned my life upside down. Knowing that you called me and asked me a bunch of questions, and kept asking if I was okay… knowing now that you were trying to decide if I would survive… it’s a heart break that I’ll never get over.
Submission 190
Dear Lauren,
I can’t crawl home to you, Lauren, and I think that’s the worst part. I can’t just phone you like I used to so we can just talk things through. Why does grief have to be so hard? You’re the only person I want, the only person I’d turn to, but you’re not here. So who do I turn to, my dear? Some nights, Lauren, you hardly cross my mind, even though I miss you all the time. How can that be?
Submission 189
My sweet girl,
How is it nearly 4 years since you left. 4 years since I last heard your voice. 4 years since I last received a message or silly Snapchat from you. 4 years since I was able to ask your advice on anything and everything. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I don’t think it will ever be the same again. I am not the same person I was 4 years. There is a massive Ali shaped hole in my heart, there is sooooo much we need to catch up. So much has happened and I’ve had to do it without you and I just don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that. I know it’s selfish of me to say but my god I wish you had stayed, so much more that you could ever imagine.
Submission 188
Dear Chris
Chris, can’t tell you how much I miss you and miss your love and hugs. You did suffer from a little boy after being assaulted by that boy causing huge problems for you. The OCD took over. I wish I could’ve done more to help and relieve you. I miss your bear hugs and your visits with Winnie. Don’t know how the covid lockdown would’ve been for you. I hope you would’ve come home. I dream of you a lot and imagine you looking down with dogs and other animals around you. Can’t think of never seeing you again.
Submission 187
Chaz,
It’s been 10 months since you left us. Since I lost my little brother... Since the world lost one of the sweetest souls. Some days I think I’ve lost the sound of your voice, and my world comes crumbling.
Submission 186
Dear G,
I can't believe the 2-year mark is just days away now; I can still remember the day my life as I knew it changed like it was yesterday but also so much has happened since then; I was in a car crash and my car was written off, I've adopted a puppy (you'd laugh but you'd also love him) and Rob got married (you'd have been so proud).
Submission 185
To my baby brother
It’s been almost a year without you, without your goofy smile and your silly jokes. I miss you everyday. I blame myself for not seeing any signs, for not knowing what you were going through. I wish I could’ve taken your pain away and I wish you were still here. There was so much more in life you deserved to experience.
Submission 184
Dear Dad
It is thirty years since you took your life, and I am finally “coming to terms with it” if that is ever possible. I was ten and had not seen you for five years. You have always been a distant yet integral part of my life. I recall your sister coming to my house and speaking with Mum at the front door. Later that day Mum told me that you had died, but not how. I did not know how to process this moment so the first thing I asked was if I could go and play with my friends. I seem to have repressed all the memories of our time together, except one. You and Mum had separated, and you were looking after me and we were in a shop, we had just left, and a security guard came running down the street. He stopped and searched you and discovered a bottle of Whiskey you had stolen. We then went back to the shop and the police were called and we were escorted in a police car to the station. I recall a female police officer showing me around the station whilst they interviewed you.
Submission 183
Dear Adrian
Hi Adrian, it is that time of year when we should be celebrating your birthday. The 27th September 1984 is when you arrived into the world and the 7th April 2019 is when we lost you. You are thought about and missed everyday.
Submission 182
Dad
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. Almost four years since you lost your battle and I still search for you in the supermarket and file through the memories etched in my brain. I can’t escape the gut wrenching feeling of missing you. I can physically feel my heartstrings tug when I think of what I’ll achieve without you there to watch me.
Submission 181
Dear husband
We miss you so much, I keep pretending you are just away with work. But deep down I know you aren’t. I have to keep explaining to our child why you aren’t here. He’s 3 and I know I can’t tell him everything but I also don’t want to lie. We miss you so much. He has now missed you longer than you were alive. He always asks about his daddy. It doesn’t get easier to explain to him. We see you with all the butterflies that come around. Things happen and I wish you were here to talk to. Despite what happened I love you so much and I never wanted this.
Submission 180
Dear Sean
There are no words that could have described the absolute pain and heartbreak I felt when you left this world. I felt a physical pain in my chest, my world was shattered.
Submission 179
To my baby brother
It's hard to believe that five years have passed since that fateful day, July 29, 2018. It was the day when you chose to leave it all behind, seeking freedom from the struggles that burdened you. Little did I know that behind your enigmatic smile, you were silently carrying such profound pain.
Submission 178
To my brother Pete
I can’t put my finger on what I miss about you. I often just sit and think about you. I’m lucky to have so many memories of our childhood, and I think about how you always wanted to show me and tell me everything you knew about the world…like you were preparing me the whole time for when you leave. I still use all that you showed me…so you’re never out of my thoughts and I often think. I go fishing to clear my mind, but only think about how you taught me to fish. I listen to music constantly to exercise the emotions that I can’t always show…and it’s always listening to music that you played to me when we were young.
Submission 177
To my younger brother,
As the days go on, I continuously wonder why. Why did you have to feel the way that you did?
Submission 176
To my best,
I miss you. All the time. I miss your loud laugh, your irritating questions and your kindness. You were the fuel that kept things moving, always keen to organise the next holiday or something fun. You challenged me when I needed it and picked me up when I was down. I miss being understood in the way you got me. I don't think I'll ever get used to you not being here. I never thought you'd be the one to go. Somedays I feel like I miss you so much I could just evaporate, other days everything just feels unbearably heavy. I flip between feeling the pressure to live life for the both of us and actually not wanting to move away from this pain in a fear it's like leaving you behind.
Submission 175
Dear Dad,
I miss you so much it hurts. I am going through such an exciting time in my life at the moment which has allowed me to reflect on my own thoughts and emotions. Whilst I am super happy and grateful to be experiencing what I am, there is just a constant thought in the back of my head of ‘I wish I could tell my dad what’s happening.’